Retro Review: PIRANHA 3D

How previous does a film must be earlier than it might qualify for a Retro Review? What makes it a Retro Review moderately than only a evaluation? These are the questions I used to be asking myself this morning whereas pondering this evaluation. Does Piranha 3D qualify, seeing as it’s from 2010? If we let this slide, then how lengthy is it earlier than we’re doing Retro Reviews of The Rock, golden eye, These films are all older than Piranha 3D,

That stated, now we have reviewed Steven Spielberg’s favourite Jaws rip-off – piranhas – already on this bracket. And the best flying piranha film ever made – Piranha II: The Spawning – in addition to the best squinting solely efficiency ever, by Lee Majors in killer fish, We have a sub-genre factor happening right here. It belongs on this class, alongside its fishy brothers, certainly? And I’m an anal completist.

I used to be additionally shocked to learn amongst Outposters that there are a number of folks amongst you who’ve but to see this? Why must you rush to your chosen provider of video-visual leisure instantly to right this? Read on…

Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D is just magnificent. It actually is. It’s magnificent as a result of it is aware of precisely what it’s and by no means units out to be something totally different. It simply opens up and invitations you to share the joke with it, whereas laughing maniacally proper subsequent to you on the sofa and providing you up infinite free hits on some actually high quality gear from an excellent bong. It understands the symbiotic relationship between this type of film and silliness. It revels in it.

At no level does it try to be something extra excessive forehead than a masterful homage to some correctly over-the-top splatter. And what a splatterfest it’s! Just once you assume they will not truly go there, they do.

The solid and crew know precisely what they’re doing right here and, tonally, Piranha 3D simply nails issues. The extra I give it some thought, the extra I understand this was in all probability tougher to get proper than they make it seem.

Director Alexandre Aja is aware of horror. He turned observed for excessive rigidity (generally known as excessive rigidity within the US and Switchblade Romance within the UK) again in 2003, earlier than actually getting a profile enhance from his remake of The Hills Have Eyes in 2006. He’s no stranger to grief.

Originally Chuck Russell was to direct however after a number of scripts, together with one which was apparently nearer to a straight remake of the unique Dante film, he moved on. Aja got here in after first being approached manner again at conception stage. What he produced together with his filmmaking companion Grégory Levasseur is a blood-soaked masterclass in not taking himself too critically whereas nonetheless delivering the horror.

Piranha 3D

How blood soaked? The film famously went by way of 80,000 gallons of faux blood throughout manufacturing.

We start in Lake Havasu, doubling as Lake Victoria, Arizona. Richard Dreyfuss himself seems in a cameo as fisherman Matt Boyd, in his small boat. He is ingesting Amity beer and buzzing Show Me The Way To Go Home, This film is admittedly going to be that on the nostril!

A small earthquake hits and splits the lake flooring, inflicting a whirlpool and Boyd falls in. Bad information for him, the earthquake seems to have opened a chasm into an underground, prehistoric lake. Something is within the water with him. Lots of one thing. And they’re very hungry.

Straight away the film units its stall out. It provides you a well-known actor, a very unsubtle Easter egg homage, after which instantly dispatches them in a fashion gory sufficient to make you sit up and surprise if this actually is meant to be amusing… or are you just a bit bit sick for chuckling. alongside?

That query will return to your thoughts repeatedly as issues actually get going.

Spring Break

That nearly sums it up properly. An enormous variety of the incidental feminine roles on this are performed by grownup entertainers. Those of you who trouble with things like porn star names can truly play “spot the starlet” all through this film.

Holding all this collectively are the splendidly stern twin presences of Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rames as Sheriff Julie Forester and her Deputy Fallon. That’s Academy Award nominee Shue and Golden Globe winner Rhames… on this B-movie? Yes, and that form of explains the extent that is taking pictures for in a single casting.

As I discussed earlier, they know precisely what they’re doing.

With the Sheriff off on the lookout for the lacking Boyd, we’re left together with her son, Jake Forester, to be our information because the city fills up for spring break with jocks, bros, bikini clad hotties… fish meals, mainly.


Jake, and his inevitable highschool crush Kelly (Gossip Girl star Jessica Szohr) meets Derrick Jones, a pornographer performed with excessive, scenery-chewing sleaziness by Jerry O’Connell. He has a ship, some starlets in tow and needs out on the water to shoot. British glamor mannequin Kelly Brook, and real-life porn star Riley Steele are Derrick’s starlets.

Kelly Brook

You already know what’s going to occur, however by this level you do not care as you’re simply alongside for the journey.

A workforce of seismologist divers arrives, Novak, Sam, and Paula. They are right here to research the fissure. That actually would not go effectively for the 2 of them that enterprise into the underground lake. Once once more, the film is aware of precisely what it is happening right here.

Not solely does the pace and savagery of the piranha assault make you all of the sudden really feel a bit uncomfortable to be laughing together with this, it additionally takes a comparatively well-known actress (Dina Meyer – Starship Troopers) and turns her right into a lump of desiccated meat in a wetsuit lower than 5 minutes after she seems on display.

Piranha 3D
“Carmen or Diz… oh, never mind.”

Here a piranha is captured, and enter Christopher Lloyd in full Doc Brown mode, however now an professional on historic aquatic life that delivers the dangerous information. These piranha are prehistoric, thought extinct and clearly extra aggressive, and hungrier, that any type seen earlier than.


This leads us to the wonderful centerpiece of the film. As is conventional, there must be a slaughter. The faculty of hungry piranha gatecrash the spring break get together and we see cameos from everybody from Eli Roth to porn actresses Ashlynn Brooke and Gianna Michaels meet their ends in spectacularly gory methods. Flying metal cables minimize torsos in two, uncontrolled pace boats decapitate and scalp, and all of the whereas the fish eat their fill with some genuinely unsettling scenes of individuals being swarmed and ripped aside.

Again With The Uncomfortable Chuckle

The sequence, and the aftermath, are wince inducing. The scene was famously a part of a sizzle reel that was launched to advertise Piranha 3Dthen banned from all over the place from MTV to YouTube for its violent, gory content material.

If, by this level, you are not all-in on Ving Rhames vs. a college of piranha armed with a spinning outboard propeller, then I do not know what’s going to deliver you onboard.

We could solely be simply over half manner however we nonetheless have extra deaths, an underwater aquatic lesbian ballet set to music, and a regurgitated severed penis (in 3D!) to come back, and this film is barely 88 minutes lengthy. More films needs to be simply 88 minutes lengthy.

Let’s be clear on this. The film is trash, however it’s intentionally trash, it is aware of it’s trash and it simply would not care. This may be the closest I’ve seen in trendy occasions to these Italian exploitation splatterfests that Boba Phil and Shawn like to speak about. Maybe these two improper ‘uns are on to one thing as this film is only one hell of a very good time.

Before the FX shot eliminated the inexperienced

Objectively, Piranha 3D needs to be a 2 star film all day lengthy. Yet as a result of it’s in by itself joke, and goes about its enterprise so exceptionally superbly with respectable profile actors and has the sheer balls to fill itself up with porn stars as effectively, it scores far, far greater.

It’s humorous with out being a comedy, it is gloriously OTT with out being camp, and it is enjoyable whereas additionally making you’re feeling a bit bit sick in your abdomen. To today, I’m nonetheless not solely certain how they achieved it, however they did.

Laugh, wince, watch by way of your fingers, really feel uncomfortable that you’re having such a very good time and query your personal humanity because of this. Piranha 3D will make you do all that, and extra. If you have not seen it, test it out instantly however make sure that its the complete cinematic model. You understand how puritanical these TV censors may be!


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